What we carry with us
by practical release
Summary: What weight does the Homeworld general carry that shapes her into the Jasper she is. What if for some reason, the weight is lifted.
1. Chapter 1

**Days...seconds...months...minutes**

All irrelevant to the now. Jasper was trapped in the now. The large orange gem; one of Homeworlds generals and now, now she was trapped. Trapped with the one holding the keys to the cage named Malachite.

 **I will never let you go**

The words echoed in her mind with a constant softness. A softness that lacked any authority it enforced. A softness that made a mockery to her position of power, or now lack there of. The first million seconds of her containment was nothing, but thrashing. Yanking and pulling at the shackles on her wrist an ankles. Pulling each shackle with each step, close and close to her blue haired jailer, only to be pulled back where she was. Her eyes glued to the back of the blue gem who never changing position, never moving.

The next thousand thousand minutes was that of mockery. Hurling insults ruthlessly at the small blue gem. Insults forged from a once powerful general, now a fallen solder. She would do anything to be free, say anything to be free just to be able to get her hands around the neck of her blue warden. No amount of insults could match the pain she was feeling however. The weight of the ocean buckled her legs. The restriction of the chains stunted her mobility. Finally the echoing words slowly dominated her mind. "I will never let you go"

With countless days came realization to the large orange gem. The realization of the bruises on her ankles and wrist from the thrashing. The burning in her throat from the yelling and insults left her voiceless. With the pain came the realization of time. The time that moves so slowly yet never ends. Time that moves past her while she stays still. A prisoners realization that everything will continue to move, with or without you; leaving you to stagnate as a motionless gem.

Maybe it was the shift in the blue gems shoulder that reminded Jasper that she was alive. The white haired brute stared at her jailer; watching every move ever so slight. That's right, if Lapis can move than so could she. Maybe time has not abandoned her as she believed. Her complete focus on the movements of Lapis left her mind defenseless. This would be the moment where the forced fusion gem would be whole, but being a forced fusion means one needs to be dominant and that one would not be Jasper. Memories flooded the orange gem's mind. Every memory consisted of Lapis's former imprisonment. In these memories Jasper felt every day for countless centuries. Every moment of every second and every emotion became her own. Gone was her realization of time. Her will eroded as she pressed her face so the sandy bottom of the ocean, slowly losing her realization of self.

 **Days, seconds, months, minutes, years, decades, centuries…**

"Please." was the only word left to Jasper's pained throat. No longer did the once proud gem struggle. Her shackles were just too heavy and the pain in her wrist and ankles were just too great. Jasper stayed hunched over, her face and knees kissing the sand. The only movement were the grains of sand floated away from her lips as she pleaded again and again. Gone was the general, the fallen solder and the prisoner. All that was left was nothing more than the shell of a Jasper.

 **I can never let you go Jasper**

The blue gem said, her voice trembling. While she never looked over at the defeated orange prisoner, she felt it all with the water she used to crush her down. She no longer needed to press the oceans weight down on her she she stayed on her knee by her own will, or rather lack there of. Lapis would be lying if she said she wasn't enjoying what she had down. She broke the elite warrior Jasper mentally and left her in such a pitiful state. She was harmless and hopefully, just like she used to be. The realization of the role reversal balled in her stomach. Not pride, nor vengeance; just disgust. Not for Jasper, but in herself.

 **Pity**

If Jasper felt anything from Lapis; it was the pity she felt for her. _You pity me?_ Jasper thought as her hands trembled against her restraints. _You pity me?_ Jasper thought as her her fist began to clinch. "You pity me!" Jasper yelled; her thought red as well as her ankles and wrists. The scream broke Lapis from her thoughts making her quake in surprise. She turned to her captive for the first time, but what she saw was no broken gem. Almost instantly she pushed the oceans weight down on the orange gem. Only a grunt escaped Jasper's lips as her stride to Lapis began. One step after another; the shackles digging into her flesh did nothing to stop the her.

The distinct sound of cracking could be heard making Lapis flinch. She scanned the shackles carefully to inspect where the damage was, but none could be found. "I don't underst..." was all the blue gem could say before feeling a hand wrap around her throat.

A bright light could be seen all the way from the bottom of the ocean. Malachite was no more; with Lapis pinned to the ocean floor by her neck. Her eyes wide as she stared at her soon to be destroyer. She expected to see a monster staring down at her, but instead she saw someone composed. She saw blood-lust in her eyes, yet something more, but most importantly she saw a fractured gem where the woman's nose should be. She saw Jasper.

Without a word Jasper picked up the blue gem by her neck, holding her eye level with her. She snaked her free hand around the blue girl's back, feeling around till she felt the smoothness of her gem. "I could crush your gem before you can even retreat back to it." Jasper said bitterly, staring directly into Lapis's eyes. Her fingers sliding softly along the blue gem. Jasper clinched harder on Lapis's throat, causing her to cough and flail to get loose. No matter what she did, she could not loosen the grip; her eyes never escaping her destroyers. The fear of destruction crept through her causing her to stop struggling. Resigning to her fate she closed her eyes, but to her surprise Jasper released her grip on her neck and moved down to her arm. She opened her eyes slowly, expecting to see Jasper's piercing eyes but instead she saw the orange gem staring up.

"Don't think you escaped being crushed Lapis." Jasper said calmly before beginning to swim up, pulling Lapis with her. "The plan has not changed, we find Peridot, then the abomination named Steven."

 **A/N**

This is my first story for Steven Universe so please all criticism is wanted. I usually just do one shots, but I think I have the attention span this time to actually finish lol.


	2. Chapter 2

**Change**

Was what she saw in her 'companion'? Even after separating; Lapis could still feel the bloodlust radiating from jasper, but something in her eyes was different. Maybe it was duty or focus, but Lapis was just glad they were not focused on her. She was no longer the forest fire going after any and all things around her, but more like a laser aimed at one target that will burn through anything in its path. Besides all of that the Jasper didn't change, except for the obviously fractured gem where her nose should be.

"Wh…where are we going." The blue gem said meekly. Any confidence she once had in the ocean long since evaporated once on land. Jasper didn't answer and never turned to face the gem she held by the arm. She only looked forward and walked. How long they walked no longer mattered to the orange gem. In her brief eternity in the ocean, she lost her grip on time, yet gained boundless patience. The very thinking of time made her want to break the blue gem right there, but a part of her made her stop those thoughts. She had a plan and needed to stick to it.

"Jasper please tell me where…" Lapis said before feeling the grip of the other gem tighten on her arm. In a quick motion she felt her arm pull forward, hard enough to dislocate. Luckily her body went with her arm as she found herself thrown to the ground. "We're meeting Peridot in the Kindergarten. Talk again and you die." Jasper said in a whisper. Her smoldering eyes stared into Lapis, burning through her.

 **Panic**

Lapis found her body shivering. She was exhausted from the diffusion yet Jasper was completely fine, deadly fine. In these brief moments Lapis learned of the strength she lacked. She slowly tried to stand before feeling the familiar grasp around her left arm, yanking her to her feet. Jasper's eyes found the ground as they walked. She didn't want to admit that this was Peridot's plan in case they failed. Jasper never failed and disregarded anything Peridot did or said, yet here she was. Jasper shook her head and continued on their trek. She could not dwell in the past, as the past is not now. All Jasper has left is the now.

As the ground soon turned to sand and the sand to craggy rock, Jasper slowed her pace; staring at the large drill spires left from the old war. Inactive drills still buried within the once fertile ground. A necessary evil Jasper thought as they passed the endless wholes burled into the landscape. The wholes that birthed the gems destined to destroy the planet that created them. One whole stood out; the top with of the whole in the wall with a slightly triangular shape. Jasper shook her head at the obvious marker and released her grasp on Lapis. "Peridot get out here!" Jasper yelled and waited. Lapis bit her lip and looked at the large gem grow more annoyed by the second. She opened her mouth and felt the gaze of Jasper, sealing her voice away with her sight alone.

Before Jasper's temper could flair; a light poured out from the whole in the wall and slowly opened in the form of an average door. The green gem rubbed her eyes before opening them wide; focusing on her escort.

"Jasper…how!? I thought you…the ship." Peridot said before shutting her mouth as Jasper raised her fist. The green gem quickly closed her eyes, expecting to feel her chin rattle, but instead she felt fingers rub through her hair. A start contrast from what she expected.

"What happened to your foot?" Jasper inquired as she pointed to what used to be a whole leg. A green hue resonating on Peridot's face as she looked away.

"The crystal clods happened. I had to jettison my foot to escape!" Peridot said, half growling with every word, thinking of each incident, especially of the Steven. "Where have you been!? I really could have…" Peridot yelled before really inspecting the Orange Gem. The crack in her gem on full display. "This isn't good. Jasper how long have you been like this. The green gem said and hopped around Jasper, looking for more injuries.

"Nothing happened." Jasper spat fast before picking up Peridot by the waist, holding her under her free arm. "Have you accomplished anything since I have been gone?" Jasper said and walked into the cave. Inside was more like a compound. Test tubes and monitors littered the tables and walls. Peridot, now glowing green, coughed to try to gain her composure (as much as one can while being held in such a way)

"I have been studying the shattered gems left on this planet from the war. They have been reanimating somehow. I had originally believed that gem zombification had manifested…" Peridot let out a sigh when he noticed neither Jasper nor Lapis had been paying her attention. "Corruption. Something about this planet does things to dead gems." Peridot finished finally getting the attention of her companions.

 **Corruption**

"So Yellow Diamond was right. We can't let whatever happened on this planet to reach Homeworld. This planet needs to be destroyed" Jasper said and let Peridot go, her body hitting the ground. "How many destabilizers have you created?" Jasper said and walked around the compound inspecting the many gem fragment specimens.

"This clodding planet is too primitive. I could only make one and even that one only has about one charge." Peridot said before looking over to the blue gem, standing by herself. "Why is this traitor with you? You should have left her on the ship" Peridot's eyes narrowed and her digits slowly spun, forming her canon.

"I'm no traitor!" Lapis spat and turned to look at Peridot. "You don't understand anything?" Her water wings slowly forming, but not enough to give her flight.

"You lied about the crystal gems. For all we know you could have freed the Steven. You could have blown up our ship! You clodding traitor!" The palm of her hand now a whole with light generating from inside.

"The enough!" Jasper yelled, punching of the test tubes, the fragment gems falling to the floor. "As much as I hate that weak thing, she is still a Homeworld gem and will be judged appropriately. We don't have time for this!" The outburst left the green and blue gem stunned. This couldn't possibly be the Jasper Peridot knew. Something was wrong; very wrong.

"Jasper what happened to your gem?" Peridot said as she hopped to Jasper, leaving the blue gem where she stood. Jasper didn't more nor say anything. "Jasper what's going on with you?" Peridot said before gasping at the sight of Jasper. Little fractures covered her hand up to her forearm. "Jasper retreat to your gem." Peridot ordered, touching the orange gem's hand. For the briefest of moment, she forgot she was talking to jasper.

 **I will never retreat!**

Jasper yelled, throwing a punch connecting with Peridot's jaw. In an instant the green gem was the floor. "Don't you dare forget your place again Peridork." Jasper said and moved away. Peridot laid there, gritting her teeth. This wasn't the first time she had to be reminded of who was in command, yet this punch hurt a lot less, which hurt a lot more. Jasper held back…or maybe…

The ground began to shake, making Jasper even more annoyed. "Maybe it's the crystal Gems." Lapis said trying to break the tension in the air.

"Peridot get the destabilizer." Jasper said and walked back to the door of the cave. "If I am not back, use it on the first Crystal Gem you see and get Lapis out of here. The mission comes first." Jasper said and walked out.

"You idiot!" Peridot yelled and hoped to the door, destabilizer in hand.

"Peridot, Jasper said…" Lapis said before Peridot fell from the hopping and slowly got back up.

"That gem is not Jasper. What did you do to her?!" She yelled and punched the ground. Her body still hurting from the punch. "She hits way harder than that. There is no way she can fights those clods. What did you do Lapis!?"

 **A/N**

I wasn't expect people to like this clodding story since it's my first time, but I am glad you guys are. Again all criticism is wanted. I think putting out a chapter every Thursday is a good way to write, edit and revise any ideas for the next chapter. Oh yea and I don't plan on any romance with Lapis right now lol.


	3. Chapter 3

**Focus Jasper**

The large gem voiced to herself, clinching the fist she used to strike her best…subordinate. Little fractures lining her fingers only now noticeable when doubled with throbbing pain. She focused on the physical pain to escape the mental. The anguish of the situation. No communication, no ship, no back up.

 **Just focus on the pain Jasper**

The disconnect in her comrades around her. The only actual Diamond allies she had was the traitor that put her through hell. To see her as an ally was a joke in itself. Then here was the Peridot. The Peridot who actually cared about her well-being only for…

 **Just focus on the pain Jasper**

Peridot was no solder and Jasper knew this. There was never a reason to hit her and yet she did. A knot of whatever she perceived as feelings welled up in her chest. Not the fire needed to fight but something less. Was it shame or guilt or…

 **DAMN IT JASPER FOCUS ON THE…**

The ground shook under her once more. Harder, or rather more focused around her. As the large gem reclaimed her footing she closed her eyes and listened. Millions of little scratches. Ripping and clawing the earth under her. As she listened her crash helmet materialized over her face. Not the scratching of many…things. No; they were too unified. All in one big wave. One big single wave.

"Jasper it's not the Crystal Gems!" A nasally voice screamed from behind her. The voice Jasper knew all too well. The large gem opened her eyes wide; looking over to the Peridot.

"Damn it Peridot I told you to stay put!" said Jasper. No not Jasper but a voice under them. Voices like a mixture between moaning, yelling and crying. The ground rumbled more before "it" erupted from the dirt.

Out it shot from the earth. Mandibles followed by the sections open sections of a translucent centipede like body. Slivers of gems embedded into its insides, one for each section. Finally, one right between the countless grey eyes covering its face.

"All of those gem fragments. Did it eat them?" The Insect wailed from its chattering mandibles.; turning its head to Peridot. The shivering green gem covered her mouth, staring deep into the monster's eyes.

"Is it reading my mind?" The beast said and rushed ahead toward the Peridot. With her fingers spinning becoming a propeller. The green gem took off into the sky, barely escaping the maw of the gem creature.

"Peridot fly off and hide!" Jasper yelled before the words echoed back to her from the creature.

"So that's how you see huh?" The monster Yelled before turning around to face Jasper. "Time to be crushed abomination!"

Jasper hated hearing her thoughts voiced back at her. Clenching her fist tight, but winced from the pain. The throbbing in her hand became more apparent to her and now amplified. The little fractured around her fingers cracked open a bit more.

 **Focus on the pain.**

The many voiced of the beast screamed. The gem creature barreled to Jasper. No time to think she put up her hands to brace for impact, only for the beast to crash into her side knocking her away as it kept moving forward. Jasper's body began to glow and flicker. Her head turned to see the monster thrashing around. Her form slowly calmed and kept shape. Still staggered from the impact she slowly rose from the ground.

"How pathetic" The monster stopped and turned its head, chattering again.

Jasper eyes stayed low as she walked careful not to think. Not thinking of the pain, the situation or even the outcome. One step in front of the other until she felt the thrashing prevalent in the air. As she stopped so did the thrashing, and with that she lifted her head. Face to face with the monster. She gripped the gem of the gem monster. Its milky dead eyes staring directly into Jasper's as she dug her fingers around the gem.

The gem beast yelled, thrashing its head up, lifting the Jasper with it. Jasper was flung into the air. Fear should have gripped her, but it was not it. She should have accepted death, but that was not it. For a brief second, all her focus was on the stars. As she was propelled into the air she couldn't help but feel something tugging at her heart. That feeling that was not meant for fighting. This foreign feeling that she always had but never acknowledged. Before she could grasp this sensation, she saw a maw close around her.

Sliding through the gullet of the beast. Swallowed whole and sliding through each section of the body. Its fluids burned her tough skin until she finally stopped sliding. She lay there as the fluids continued to lick over her body. She watched the stars from inside the translucent frame.

"Jasper! Jasper!" The small Peridot screamed, watching her commander inside the beast. Too afraid to land, too afraid to do anything. She was helpless to do anything. No; she was useless here.

The beast slowly dug its way back underground as Peridot watched and unmoving Jasper go with it. Peridot was frozen in the sky. Her world crumbling around her. Had the Jasper truly been this broken mentally? Peridot let out a power yell. A yell that pierced the very sky, no that wasn't Peridots.

"IS THIS ALL THERE IS FOR ME! WHY! WHY! WHY!"

The ground tremored violently cracking open all around the visible area.

"CRUSHING AND BREAKING UNTIL I FALL TO PIECES! IS THAT WHY I AM HERE!"

Yells of pain echoed out of the ground the creams and yells of torment echoing one another.

"I HATE THIS PLANET! I HATE THOSE CRYSTAL GEMS! I HATE THAT LAPIS!"

"Jasper…" Peridot said to herself as she heard the beast, or maybe it truly was jasper this time.

The head of the Gem beast shot from the ground, only to flop down to the side. The Jasper slowly crawling out of its mouth, slivers of gems in her hands. She stood slowly and stared at the beast. It only breathed shallow, unblinking.

 **I hate you Jasper**

Jasper and the beast said and unison as she put her hand on the forehead gem. Squeezing head until it crushed in her hand, poofing the monster.

"Jasper…I …I saw" Peridot said as she landed. Her trembling fear subsiding. "Jasper, you need to retreat back into your gem, that's an order."

Even in her weakened state she would not let the Peridot get away with that. Jasper palm, the dust from the gem escaping into the air. A million things she wanted to say to the Peridot, but they could wait. If anything she still had was her pride as a quartz and she would be damned if this Peridot would control her. No one would control Jasper again.

"You have a lot of nerve Peri…"

Before she could finish her statement, she felt her body breaking; slowly coming apart. Her eyes drifted down as she saw the gem destabilizer dig into her stomach.

"You are no longer fit to lead Jasper" was the last thing Jasper heard before she drifted out of consciousness, retreating into her gem.

A/N

Didn't think I had it in me to continue writing. I lost pretty much all my motivation for writing for a long time, but now I think I have that spark back. Thanks for not giving up on this story like I did. Hope you like this chapter. I rewrote it at least 20 times already lol. I am never writing the word mandible again.


	4. Chapter 4

**She wasn't bitter**

How could she have the right to be? Her now is now the now of someone else. A new warden she must bow down to. No amount of will would release her this time; less her release be the same as anyone else who challenged her. What was this Jasper now? She was a failure of a General. Beaten by three defective gems. She was a slave to an upper class gem for…no she doesn't think about it.

Lesser gems felt that internal weakness, not a quartz. Not A Jasper; not THIS Jasper. She would never feel the torment of kneeling to a weak gem. She would never feel the crushing pain of an ocean on her back. She wouldn't lose her grasp on reality. She wouldn't be betrayed be the Peridot she…no she doesn't think about it.

This Jasper doesn't think when she retreats to her Gem. No reason to reflect on a failed mission. No need to uselessly change forms to suit this grim situation. Jaspers had no reason to change. To return to one's gem was only for extreme cases of extraction and with that came its own dangers. To be "poofed" was to be vulnerable and weak and the weak didn't last long. She would remember crushing other lesser gems in her hand when they failed and had retreated to their gems. It was an execution fit for gem kind. To Homework kind. They would die never having to witness their new form. Their new failure of a form.

Yet here she was, at the mercy of a Peridot. She could feel the prying fingers of the green engineer softly over the cracks in her gem. It was agonizing how gentle the feeling was. Something so weak shouldn't have the right to touch her gem, and yet it was, this was Jasper now.

 **I am afraid…I don't want to do this anymore…I want to just go…**

"Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" the Jasper screamed inside her gem. Trapped with her weaker form. Her weak inner conflicts. Her weak emotions. A Jasper has no need for sympathy; Like she felt for the Peridot. A Jasper has no need for Revenge; like she did for the Crystal Defects. There was only the mission; that she outright ignored for a chance to fight the one that clouded her judgement.

 **I respected your armies Rose. You are a great warrior, one I wanted to…**

The memories flooded into her mind. A battlefield fought on numerous times, and numerous failures. Time and time she fought the rogue general, and time and time again she fell to her knees. Always inches from being crushed, only to be let go. Only to be shamed on one battlefield to another. This Jasper was just like every other one, and with that she was headstrong, violent and imagined to be invincible. For every defeat Jasper felt the fear well inside her core. The uncertainty of being crushed by the Diamond she swore her undying loyalty to. That crushing fear would engulf her on the battlefield. Her knees would quake at the sight of the pink quartz.

 **I am afraid…I don't want to do this anymore…I want to just go…**

"Want to join me?" She heard the large Pink Quartz say to her. Their fight left Jasper on her knees this time. Not even a skirmish worth acknowledgement, but rather a show Jasper put on. Every strike of her Axe was lackluster. Every punch, never meant to connect. Fear had destroyed her confidence, until Rose said those words.

What did Jasper…this Jasper feel? Did she feel regret for not joining her? Did she feel anger for the pity she knew Rose felt for her? Was it guilt that she felt as she watched other Jasper's crushed while she always was sent back out. Why was this Jasper feeling anything? Before she could answer she was pushed aside by another Jasper; it screamed and flailed its identical axe, punching its identical punches. What was Jasper now, but a crumbling shell of a gem, watching another Jasper, a better Jasper fight tooth and nail; something she could no longer accomplish.

As Rose easily dispatched the Jasper, This Jasper rose slowly. The invitation gone as Rose retreated with her army. Gems littered the battlefield, with only one Jasper; this Jasper remaining. She stared at the backs of the enemy army as they fled and she too turned to leave; this time without her war axe.

This Jasper would return to base defeated and alone as she did plenty of times before. Staring up at her Diamond; expecting to be crushed, but she never did. No in fact she never even looked down at the Jasper. She would flick her screen and a ship would arrive, more Jaspers pouring through. More Jaspers with war axes and their imagined Invincibility.

 **And then you felt something right. Remember that feeling that made you different.**

This Jasper was different now. She was no longer a Jasper, but this Jasper. This Jasper knew the full extent to Rose's power and influence. This Jasper became smarter, stronger but…less than the others. No longer feeling comradery, as she watched Jaspers being crushed for their failures. These Jaspers were fodder, not good enough to be their own Jaspers. They were better off crushed. And crushing she did.

This Jasper was cold and calculating. No longer fighting a war, but battles. Battles she slowly started to win. Battle that had her fighting Rose on her terms, losing but now gaining ground. She continued to fight, pushing and pulling Rose's control of the battlefield. A dance that only they saw. A dance that only the two could ever do together…no against each other.

 **And then you felt something right. Remember that feeling that made you different.**

This feeling of individuality that she felt while fighting the only Rose Quartz. It made her feel like the only Jasper. Only she had a right to fight Rose; Jasper and Jasper alone. Right as their danced hit their peak, when Jasper felt most alive she heard the call.

"I grow bored of this, we are done here." She heard from across the battlefield. In just like that, the war was over. So many gems, so much fighting, so many resources; none of it mattered. Rose; her Rose no longer mattered. This Jasper; a solitary Jasper on the battlefield no longer mattered.

 **I respected your armies…I am scared…you felt something to right? Rose…**

"I can't do this anymore…" Jasper said within her Gem. Her voice no longer confident and no longer imposing. Just a simple voice. A simple Gems voice devoid all anger and justice, all loyalties and betrayals. The mission no longer mattered, nothing mattered.

Peridot watched as the Jaspers gem started to glow, quickly sitting it down inside their now disheveled base. "That was fast" the green gem said to herself before beginning to shake. The fear of Jasper's wrath now fully within her mind. Peridot knew she would be poofed or worse. She and Lapis were going to die here. She bit her lip, and clenched her digital fist, waiting for Jasper to reform; but that wasn't Jasper. Technically a Jasper but a Jasper she knew or thought she knew.

"Ja…Jasper…" Peridot said, shaking from the sight.

"Peridot, Lapis; the mission is over." This Jasper said, her hair flowing much shorter, less wild. "We find the Crystal Gems…now."

A/N

I really didn't know how I wanted to handle Jasper reflecting on herself without it sounding to redundant. Sorry if its hard to follow. Jasper this; This Jasper tha, my head hurts now lol. Beyond that I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**It burns**

Their smoldering sight singes her back. The flame of their eyes licked her frame. Every curve examined. Every pull of her muscles that lifted her feet and swung her arms; they scanned with reckless abandon. The Jasper could feel both set of eyes, as they judged her recreation. The agony of the silence washed over her. Her…lack of purpose coupled with her new since of self only revealed her long dormant self-consciousness. She was no longer a gem of war and vengeance, but a Jasper with a new loss to add to all the nothing and everything that was stolen from her.

 **Do not look back at them.**

She would not acknowledge the tension in their footsteps. Each step rhythmic to her own calculated stride. The Diamond's Jasper would be satisfied with this outcome. By fear or control, the gems under her command would follow in tow, or be crushed in her palm. This Jasper however…this Jasper could still feel the minerals of gems beneath her fingernails; their phantom stains permanently soaked into her palms. Her hands swayed unabashed as she walked. She would not look back at them.

As she looked at the walls in the slowly withering crags, she could still in-vision the gems of the war. Those who rose only to be crushed seconds later. A rainbow of shards littered the battlefield of her memories. Each step trampled on the graves of the fallen. Should she feel remorse for those who never knew nothing but war? Should the orange gem feel remorse for those that died for a cause they would never see to fruition? Should the general of only two gems feel remorse for a Jasper who lost its purpose. She would not look back at them.

 **My now, their future**

What was the now that Jasper was seeking? Her war was over. Her mission was over. Her now…her now was over, yet still she persists. Through the hard-rigid cliffs, the florals paths and artificial roads. The sun shifted in the sky as the moon soon took its place. As the cool air rubbed against her face; her feet stopped. The two pairs of steps quickly halted as well.

 **This is not their present**

This was not the present for her engineer, who somehow managed to hobble behind her with no indication of hesitation. The technical adviser who managed to push her buttons for even the smallest of infractions was surprisingly quiet. No question Jasper was known to correct her green underling handily, but a pit inside her core began to grow since her reformation.

"Peridot, am I fit to lead?" The words seem to fall out her mouth in a whisper. For what she hoped was only loud enough for the Peridot to hear, but was evident that the blue traitor would also understand. She shut her eyes hard, waiting for the answer. She could feel her fist trembling; the fear of time began to return. This fear she felt at the bottom of the ocean. The fear of absolute timelessness shook her very essence. In the seconds it would take for the Peridot's answer; decades past in her mind.

"Jasper I…I take back what I said, but I do not understand our purpose. You said the mission was over, yet we are going after 'the Steven'. Surely in your condition…" Her words stopped as she became aware of what she said. The color draining from her face as her commander slowly started to turn towards her. "Jasper wait…I didn't mean…"

"Lapis…What will you do when we reach the Crystal Gems?" Jasper said, and swallowed a deep breath. A ball of emotions swelled in her when she waited for her answer. Hate, disgust, any feeling she allowed herself to feel she projected at the blue gem silently. She would not let her jailer have any more of her.

"I will…Do what I have to." The blue gem said looking down. Feeling the pressure of her words and the scolding eyes of the Green gem beside her. She knew the implications of her words. A subtlety that could only foster doubt and spite, but a truth that could never be denied.

Without a word, the Jasper began to walk again. Hearing the words of her comrades as they filled the silence in her mind. She focused on it; giving her something tangible to hold on to till the inevitable. The hard ground was soon replaced with sand. The sun as though expelled from the ocean, brought with it purples and orange to wash away the dark blue and twinkle of the stars. The breaking of the ocean waves shook The Jasper as she closed her eyes. Fear evident in her posture. Each step took all her strength to stay stable. To stay in command of herself, what little left there was.

"I…I can't let you hurt" She heard the Lapis say behind her back. Her voice trembling, as though battling herself. The Jasper could only smile. The blue gems fears seemed to calm her. Her thirst for subjugation and control seemed to manifest from her warden's trepidation. She could no longer hear the waves. The ocean was now under the control of Lapis.

Before she could turn around Jasper also heard the hum of Peridot's hand cannon. The digital fingers spinning as though charging up.

"You traitor! I knew we couldn't trust you!" The Peridot screamed. Her eyes opened wide as she felt an enormous hand gently push her weapon down.

"Peridot… this will be my last order to you. I expect you to fulfill it unquestionably." Jasper said with a firm finality. It was clear that Jasper was not asking this time and Peridot could only nod her head. Even the ocean stopped its stirring as Lapis seemed to listen as well.

" **Jasper!"**

She could feel the vitriol in the fusion's lips followed by the sound of running. She closed her eyes and listened as wings fluttered behind her. Eight legs she counted; which means all the crystal gems were there. The fall of water sprinkled on her face as she imagined the ocean becoming a fist to pull her back in.

"Peridot." The Jasper said softly, or rather solemnly. Her voice in one word she hoped would take away the pressure in her chest. In her voice, she hoped to convey every apology she could to her only subordinate. In her voice, she wanted the order to be heard, to be felt as it left her lips. The spinning of Peridots fingers once more could be heard. Feeling the gust of wind on her back, the sound slowly dissipating. She would not look back at her.

 **My Now**

The Jasper was happy. In a quick flash of light her helmet formed on her head. She could feel the cold of the ocean began to wrap around her, tightening around her wrist and ankles. The old Jasper would remember the fear she felt of the ocean. The fear she felt of being a prisoner. But the new Jasper; This Jasper would not acknowledge such triviality. She began to move forward. The water pulling at her body, desperately trying to put her to her knees; her hands to the sand. She didn't acknowledge the pain as she pulled forward.

 **Days…seconds...mon…**

"No!" She yelled out as she began to move faster. The water crushing her wrist and ankles. The weight a relic of the old Jasper's misery. Harder she persists as the water envelops her torso.

 **Years…decades…cen…**

"No!" She screamed louder as she finally could run. Her torso feeling the crushing weight, pressing her chest into itself. The pain from her torso began to sting her throat. Her yell making it harder to function. Each burst of speed from running crushed her chest harder. Harder she persists as the water envelops her legs.

 **I will never let you…**

"No!" Escaped her battered frame. Pain sealing the decimals. A hiss of pain following her rebellion. Her focus challenged more and more, with agony in tow behind it. As she breathed in again to let out another scream, another behind her could be heard. The Lapis must be at her limit Jasper thought as she used that breath to pull harder. Each step she felt the restraints loosen. With one last heave the water fell, drenching the sand beneath. As the water fell, so did the sound of a body. She would not look back at her.

Before should could recover a gauntlet crashed into her core. The very air she used to sustain the water was expelled by the fist. The Jasper felt her body crumble into the fist as her eyes focused on the combatant in-front of her. The Visor of the Fusion reflected Jasper's face back at her. A large crack running down her face. She could feel the gauntlet loosen in her chest as it trembles. The impact all but gone. With a simple twist of the Fusions arm; she tumbles a few yards away from her.

The broken pearl and overcooked Amethyst looked in horror at the Jasper. Her breath not catching up to her as quick as she wanted.

"You're hurt" She heard from Rose. As Jasper fell to one knee she watched as the large pink haired woman slowly moved closer to her. The war around her seemed pop in an out of existence. She tried to reach for her War Axe but even that would flutter in and out of sight.

 **Why**

The Jasper felt the words fall from her lips as she slowly stood. One last grasp to her War Axe, again to avail, but it didn't matter. She threw a punch at Rose, but easily she side stepped it and didn't fight back.

 **Why!**

The Jasper smashed her helmet down at Rose, but again she dodged her. Jasper stumbling forward before falling to her knees. She could feel Roses gaze on her. Her hand slowly reaching down to her. Rose's words were nothing, but inaudible sound at Jasper rose to her feet.

 **Why!**

She clenched her eyes hard, yelling as charged forward. Her legs slowly giving out as she finally fell to the soft sand under her. "Why" She said softly as she saw Steven looking down at her. The war, their fight, their dance all a lie. Her purpose, her self, her now, all a lie.

"Why what?" She heard a tiny voice say to her. Her eyes drifted from Steven to the sky. The vast nothing of blue. No space or stars to be seen no matter how hard she tried. She could feel cracks opening all around her body. If there was pain she didn't comprehend it, nor did it matter.

"Why Rose." She said as her voice wheezed through her strained throat. "Why did you move on…without me."

 **A/N**

 **Jeez I rewrote the chapter so many times. Sorry for the disgusting amount of time it took to get out. I haven't forgotten about it; just hard to work up the motivation when life stuff happens. Enough of my whining however; I hope you guys like it**


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